My friend said that some philosopher said that perpetual boredom can probably kill you. I should have died years ago.
I feel bad sometimes, because I know some bitxhes who would be mad at me for saying that I’m bored since I go to a fancy college and live my bougie life. I don’t give a fuck about those people (except when I see them in person and I act all fake and act like I care about what they say).
When it comes to emotions and feelings, my modus operandi, if you will, is that I can spend some time feeling some type of way (angry, sad, horny, etc.), but I have to be able to figure out how to use those emotions and feelings to make myself better. There are some people who think that that makes me selfish. I’d like to believe that those people are repressed and take out their anger on everybody. I thank God everyday that I am not that type of person.
It’s funny though, because sometimes I don’t know how to channel my boredom into something positive. I’m doing it now, I guess, I’m making a blog post while at work. But then does it really matter? Boredom is a funny thing, because it’s not like I had anything better to do, but I’m beating myself up for not doing something better.
This is what happens when this precocious little gay Black boy has one semester left and is dying to leave this college and would rather be homeless (which, technically, I already am) than be here any longer. I can’t help but bite the hand that feeds me, because a lot of times it’s fed me shit. But it’s too late. I already had all the experiences that I’ve had, if one of those bitxhes is like “Switch with me, you ingrate, at least you went to a great college,” I’d be like “Too late, I’ve lived my life, sorry not sorry, but I’m just gonna hate on my life…”
I do wonder if I would have as many moments of boredom if I didn’t go to this elite college. But is “not being bored” the same as “not being happy?” What if I was even more stressed than I am now? Actually, that is not possible. When the former director of Disability Services shared with me that students at Oberlin have to do more than when she was a student, but I notice professors here who are still confused as to why students are so messed up here, I realized that this place was just not right for me.
Sometimes I wonder if I keep this blog out of boredom. For the most part, only Obies and some people from back home read this blog. Part of me wants to keep this up so that when I become rich and famous (best believe that I will be…) people can look at my crazy writing. Or in the off-chance that I am not rich and famous but satisfied with my life and career, there will be a site that shows how far I’ve come. But sometimes this blog bores me as well.
I feel like people don’t recognize that a person can be busy and bored. I’m always sympathetic to the bored smart Black/brown person. Lord knows it’s hard to be in classes or discussions where you’re watching people struggle to figure out something you knew years ago, but you don’t know if you should say anything and come off as “rude” or “not a team player” or any of the shit that people say as some form of a microaggression. I’d rather be bored than rude. Sometimes.
Maybe this feeling won’t go away after college. Maybe that’s life. I don’t know if I’m OK with that. I don’t know if I have a choice in the matter.