I am scared that when I graduate, I won’t know how to ask the right questions. That I’ll get distracted by trivial matters and that my feelings about those things will take over my mind.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in with my generation. I generally have better experiences with people older than me. But college is probably the only time where you will spend most of your time with people your age. I’m not really that captivated by that aspect.
I lived in a first-year dorm. I hated it. I made a few friends though. Living with “people my age” who jacked off in showers and drained the pipe/who left their bloody menstrual objects around in the stall was not a learning experience that I desired to have.
I desired to have a lover. I didn’t know what I wanted in a lover, besides a pulse. A series of romantic escapades commenced. I still want a lover, just not as badly anymore.
My housemate has a car, so when I’m feeling really bad, I can just take his car, and I’d drive to Cleveland. It’s nice to be in a city, just to get away from feeling so compressed and stewing in your own shit.
The bathhouses I’ve been in smell like shit. One time, I followed a guy in a bathhouse for five minutes straight because I thought he was trying to take me to a private room. He was actually trying to avoid me, and after five minutes stopped me and told me that I could stop following him. Pretty embarrassing. I left after that.
I get embarrassed a lot. I usually don’t let it show. Generally when I let it show, I try to make a big deal out of it so that people think that I have a good sense of humor. I guess it can be manipulative.
I can be manipulative for sure. When I feel like I’m around people who are insecure, I have historically tended to highlight negative traits about myself to make them feel better. I’ll act more stupid or offensive so that they can feel like they can knock me down a peg or let me know that I’m not all that. It’s probably not the healthiest way to make relationships.