He says that he’s happy, but is that a front? When you love someone that keeps you far from their heart, does that qualify as a long-distance relationship? He must be lying. He can’t believe this will actually last forever…

How can I say that? I get penetrated attempting to fill a space I’m convinced only he can fill, but I’m impaled instead, I die slowly inside. What type of masochism is that? What pleasure comes from that?

What’s worse, trying to replace something you never had or trying to keep something that’s letting you go?

I hope he’s cheating. In his case, it wouldn’t be cheating, because he has nothing to actually cheat on anyway. I hope he lies in bed with another man and calls out his old lover’s name in front of his new one when he climaxes. But his new lover won’t mind because to him, the old one is just a figment of Nick’s imagination.

-Intimate Dinner-

Nick: “Happy birthday.”

Old Lover: “I don’t like surprises.”

“Here’s one more…”

“You cheated.”

“How did you know?”

“I just know.”

“I still love you.”

“I always loved you.”

“No. You didn’t.”

“Don’t tell me what I did and did not do.”

“You pushed me away.

You found me unattractive.                                                                           “I did not. You are lying.
You treated me like                                                                                            Stop lying. Who pushed
I was a                                                                                                                                 who away? Huh?”
stranger.”                                                                                                              You could have stayed.”

“I can’t stay.”

                                                                                                                                       “Neither can I.”

“Here’s your gift then. Me leaving.
Happy birthday.”


And then what? I would take him away and love him? Is that what I would do? Or watch him waste away, never getting over that betrayal in his heart that wakes him up in the middle of the night and seizes him in terror? That makes him cry as though he lost the only part of himself that he loved, since his so called “better half” loved that part of him as well? He has to restructure his whole life. And I am not a part of that plan. But I want to be. I wouldn’t know what to say or do. But I’d want to be there for him.

But he might change. And not be the man I want. And then what? He’s already a fantasy, and now he’s history? What if my idea of him is no longer what he wants to be? What do I have left then? Memories of nothing?


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