My dreams can’t be real. In my dreams, Nick is my husband. He is the one thing in this world besides God and death (which are the same thing) that I trust. He’s not my “better half,” he’s my whole life.
My dreams are delusions of dependency. Even I know that. But I need it. I need him. A “him” that doesn’t even exist, but a “him” that I would put my existence on the line for.
In a dream, we have no past and no future. Just an endless present of devotion. As if I only relate to him through love. Why hasn’t reality kicked in? Why have I not accepted that this is a fantasy? That dreaming of his love does not cancel out the rejections I face to try to move on in my life? My dreams only foretell the present, but the future shows up at my door every second and is telling me to get over it.
But how can I do that when all I want is for him to feel the same…
“Feel the same as what?”
“You love me, I don’t love you.”
“I don’t get that.”
“All of it, I guess.”
“I’m not even here anyway, so…”
“It’s just a dream.”
“Is this your fantasy. Because it’s not a good one.”
“I can touch you here.”
I touch Nick
“You can hold me, just for a little while…”
Nick holds me as we stand in an empty void of redness.
“Does this make you feel better?” he asks.
“What else do I have to look forward to?”
Nick squeezes me hard. It hurts. I cry.
“You can’t cry about something that’s not real.”
“I cry about you all the time. I’m lonely, how are you gonna tell me how to be lonely? Who are you to say that?”
“I’m not real. I will never be real.”
I push off of him, he fades away.
“I don’t believe that. I won’t…”
Nothing hurts more than missing something you don’t even know. You can’t make up new realities whenever you’re unhappy, can you? In every reality, he is still not with me, so why do I keep making him a part of my life if he will never be there…