Clarity

I love people so much that I hate them. I think it’s a actor/theater thing. People fascinate me so much, but they can do such horrible shit. I love it. I love trying to understand it. I love trying to work out why people do what they do. But sometimes, it gets me in a rut.

I’ve been in a rut at Oberlin for a while now. Especially romantically. For some reason, I thought that going to a LGBTQ friendly school would mean that I would never be single, or at the very least, I’d always be sexually satisfied. I’m sure that comes from my “overly idealistic” way of thinking. I love being idealistic, but it was not realistic of me to think that I could just escape the pain of my life before college and live in a brand new perfect reality. Like my counselors and trusted friends said back then, “It gets better.” And it did. But it didn’t get perfect.

But I wanted perfection. I wanted to control everything so that I was always satisfied. I think that comes from not feeling like I had control over anything growing up. I planned out in my head what fights with a significant other “should” look like.  I put people into boxes based on how I felt of their first impression, and it was very hard for them to leave those boxes. I once told an ex that I wasn’t mad at him, but that I was mad at the “idea” of him. I put myself in a position in which I was a martyr, suffering in this world because “no one understands me,” but I’m still trying to understand them anyway.

To be fair to myself, I am a very intuitive person. There have many times where I was right about a person’s intentions, or where I knew that if someone had just listened to me in the first place, we wouldn’t have been having problems. I also know that I live in a world where for a good chunk of my life, the people around me, even my peers only “tolerated” my Blackness or my homosexuality, because they were believing what their parents believed. And I’d go around struggling with my identities, and I didn’t think that I could trust anybody to do more than just “tolerate” me.

Cut to the present day. I wonder why some guys in my life at Oberlin are treating me weirdly. A common comment made by my friends that hate Oberlin is that a lot of people are passive-aggressive. I sure know that I can be. But I didn’t think my issues with guys were simply about being passive-aggressive.

This bothered me. My closest friends knew that my relationships with these guys were bothering me, because I always talked about them. And I do mean always. I wanted to work out intentions in my head, because I just didn’t understand why people would just treat me like shit or ignore me or be awkward around me. That led to my friends calling me obsessed, and that I needed to let it go.

I felt weird about that diagnosis of obsession. Maybe I was obsessed. But as I told my friend Natalie, my problem is always when people treat me a certain way and I don’t know why. I have had issues with my dad, but I never relentlessly obsess and complain about him. And that’s because I know why he treated me the way he did, and for the most part, I “know” where I stand with him. With some of these guys, I had no idea.

But I dig around and hear shit from friends or see statuses online, and things start to click. And it’s like a light shines inside of me, and I finally piece together the intentions. I become overwhelmed with joy, because for so long I felt like I was in the dark and I finally feel like I can move on with my life. And that’s when I realize that whether the issue is romantic or not, one of my biggest issues I’ve had is dealing with the fact that I never seem to have stability. My grandmother told me that I’m a person that likes to avoid conflict, and I agreed with her. But my bigger issue is not “conflict,” because honestly, I love to argue and I love debate. My issue is instability, in which I don’t know if something is a conflict or not, and if it is, I don’t know how we both are gonna feel when all is said and done. Even when I was planning out fights in my head, it still involved me and the other party being respectful enough of each other to treat each other rationally and let each other know where we both stand on the issue. That’s all I really wanted.

That doesn’t always happen in this world. I guess that’s what hurts me the most, when I just have to accept that I will never know why my relationship with a person is unstable, or why nothing about our relationship makes any logical sense. I still haven’t really figured out how to deal with that, I guess that’s what therapy and all of that stuff is for.

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