Nasitall

An older Black man told me while I was sucking his dick that my ass “was passed down from generation to generation. His grandmother had that ass, his mother had that ass, and now he has it.”

I said nothing and smiled and kept sucking his dick. Figured that would be my best response.

But what was I expecting? I mean, for years I’ve been under the assumption that my ass was one of my better qualities. Girlfriends loved joking about me having a big butt. Every once in a while, a guy I would hook up with would talk about how he liked my ass. I actually forgot for a while that I was pretty insecure about having a big butt, in that I felt that people were more concerned with my butt than any other part of my body. Yeah, I have a nice butt, but what about my eyes, or face, or nose, or personality, or ankles?

That sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Maybe it is. But it’s still something I think about. I think about the fact that when I was in Amsterdam, one of the two gay men I stayed with was hypnotized by my ass, because everyone in Amsterdam is pale without an ass, and someone like me was an anomaly. An assomaly…

I felt flattered. I knew about the legacies of Black women like Saartjie Baartman, women who were exoticized for having abnormal features like having a big ass. But the dude I was staying with was so happy that he ate me out on the staircase, so at the end of the day, I thought “Well, I don’t know if Saartjie ever had this happen, might as well roll with it.”

When I was in Amsterdam, I felt like I had some magic power or something. The same guy who was eating my ass out told me it was because a lot of guys there had a fetish for dark men. They didn’t like Asians. But if you were Black, you were good. There were very few Black men I saw in the gay clubs and bathhouses I went to. But the few I did see were chatted up very quickly by the white men around them. I swear to God, it was so different than in the U.S. I was telling one of my girlfriends the other day that the last time I was in a bathhouse, the white men were swatting me away like I was a fly.

I’ll never forget the first time I went to a bathhouse in the U.S. (which was after my trip to Amsterdam), and an older white man had me feel up a younger white man’s ass, praising it for being so firm and beautiful. “He has a nice ass,” he continued, “you just need to rub it for good luck.”

I was like, “What ass? Who are we talking about? Him? He doesn’t have an ass.” But a bunch of white guys were surrounding him, and not me.

It may seem trivial that I’m so focused on such a specific body part. But it’s had a big impact on how I move around as a sexual being. Some of my friends have generally assumed that I’m a bottom (the more submissive role in a sexual relationship, as opposed to a top) for many reasons, but partially because I have a big butt. And they are correct in assuming that I am a bottom, but I don’t know how much I have started to internalize an idea that I am a bottom because I have a big butt. There are many tops and versatile people with big butts. I now know for sure that I am not a top. But I wanted to have the theoretical option.

Part of why this is such a weird thing for me to talk about now is because I very rarely had people I could talk to about these things. I had a wonderful dean in high school who worked specifically with Black and Latinx men who were gay/bi/queer/etc. and he was the first person to ever tell me what a top and a bottom was, and how he knew two bottoms who went home together to have sex and it didn’t work out because neither of them knew what to do. That’s funny to me, I mean, if I apparently have this amazing generational ass, someone better know what to do with it.

But I appreciated my dean telling me about that example because I didn’t realize that I would soon be an active sexual person living in a world in which people would make judgments about my body and my sexual ability. And it’s not like I just tell everyone that I went to a bathhouse sucking dick and someone talked about my ass. It’s taboo. Taboo stuff is interesting, I like trying to expose taboos. Maybe this blog is how I can get started.

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