Self-Righteous

Written Summer of 2016

He called me self-righteous. Me. Self-righteous. What a fucking dick.

Montrell couldn’t get it out of his head. Some secret gay boy calling Montrell self-righteous? Montrell of all people?

Well, maybe Kyle isn’t some “secret gay boy.” At least, Kyle’s girlfriend doesn’t know that Kyle is a secret gay boy. Montrell has already predicted Kyle’s future though, he figured it was straight out of some LOGO TV show drama. Some boy lives a stereotypical straight life, plays macho man sports like football, but doesn’t fit into the macho man profile. He has girlfriends, but he barely knows how to hold their hands correctly, so how would he know how to pleasure them sexually? He thinks these girls are his best friends, since they happen to be the only people on this planet who have ever seen him cry or be vulnerable, but when they break up, he stops talking to them completely. Then the next girlfriend comes along, because Kyle is too good-looking and too charming and everything wrong and right with men in this world to stay single for long. But some years from now, he’s gonna have some epiphany and realize that all this time, he has actually wanted to be with a man.

And Montrell is desperately trying to deal with the fact that he will not be that man.

Montrell walks back to his dorm, after leaving a “lax bro” house at 8 in the morning. He wonders how heteronormative the concept of the “walk of shame” is. He’s done it a lot, but no one notices or cares. He’s just happy that it’s sunny, warm, and quiet as he walks across campus before he attempts to shower away last night.

Last night. What the hell? One impulsive decision to get a Grindr led him to some drunk dude who was less concerned about alcohol affecting consensual sex and more concerned about alcohol impeding his sexual ability. Last night, Montrell finally had anal sex. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t that great either. It wasn’t what he really wanted when he was doing it, but he doesn’t know if he could get away with calling it rape. When it was over, and the drunk dude decided to tell Montrell about his drunk dude hopes and drunk dude dreams and all the ways that drunk dude wants to help the world, all Montrell could think about was what it would be like if he was sleeping in Kyle’s bed instead.

Don’t be ridiculous. Kyle is an idiot. Besides he’d push you off the bed.

Montrell smiles at the idea of trying to share a bed with Kyle. He already takes up so much space in general, and even though Montrell could try to convince himself otherwise, nothing would be romantic or sweet about Kyle taking Montrell’s space in bed. It definitely wasn’t romantic or sweet when drunk dude was doing it last night. But hey, Montrell will just have to see Kyle and drunk dude just about every day on this small campus until he graduates, right?

OK, focus. I need to shower. I need to do some of my reading for Religious Ethics, I need to start that Calc problem set…

Montrell can run through all the things he “needs” to do in the blink of an eye. And none of them involve almost obsessively fantasizing about some secret gay boy. He needs to stop thinking about everything, just for a minute. But when he tries to take a break from thinking about his work, he thinks about the boy. And vice-versa.

He wonders what Kyle wants to do with his life. There’s so much about Kyle that Montrell knows, but at the same time Montrell still doesn’t understand anything about Kyle. They didn’t know each other at all beforehand, but Montrell decided to “challenge himself” and take a science class, and there was Kyle at the front row, so Montrell decided to say hi. That turned into a friend request on Facebook and an exchange of phone numbers that resulted in a texting conversation that went as such:

“Hey Montrell, do you know when the homework is due?”

“Hey Kyle, it’s due at midnight.”

“Great, thanks.”

Montrell could tell that Kyle seemed to have a chip on his shoulder about being at college, since Kyle is the first in his family to go to college. Montrell wonders if Kyle feels like the world is against him. He would never ask Kyle that, because he knows how Kyle would respond:

“Heh. No. If anything, it’s helping me.”

Montrell wonders if Kyle thinks he’s being wise when he says shit like that or if he doesn’t have a clue. Or both. But for some reason, Montrell finds that attractive.

Montrell is so close to his dorm, where he can try to make a list of all the things he can do, but where he’ll probably do the usual thing he does in his room: stand and look around, wondering what he was doing at that college. Montrell once wrote in his diary that “Depression is finding yourself standing in your room and you feel empty and all you can think is “This is it? This is all?”” Maybe he thinks about Kyle a lot because he’d rather feel upset then feel nothing.

But as he gets in his dorm and gets ready to take a shower, all he ends up thinking about is when he’ll take his next pill. And then he thinks about how long it will take to wash drunk dude off of him. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

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